I have mentioned in the last few articles, this year Bert and I celebrate our 22nd Wedding Anniversary. I was going to try and post several articles on relationships more than my normal schedule because it is on my heart at the moment and I have waaaay too much to say. 22 years of ups and downs, many life changes and different seasons will give you a bit to say. However, I opened my brand new laptop my sweet hubby got me for my anniversary and ALREADY had a virus! (insert eye rolling emoji)
Every relationship is different so take what works for you and build on that. I, at least hope to get you thinking and cause you to pause and evaluate where you are currently. It is so easy to go through the motions and get “in a rut.” This is when Satan has room to get a foot in the door. Be on guard and be intentional to protect your marriage. Don’t become lazy with one another. Here are 3 simple suggestions to help you pursue your spouse again.
- STUDY your spouse! Be a student of him/her. What does she love? What is his favorite way to relax and unwind? Talk about your dreams, desires, fears and doubts. Do you know their love language? Ask questions – often. Even the silly things matter and bring you closer. I want to know more about my husband than any other person besides His Creator. I should know him better than his mother and his coworkers. I am still learning things about him even after 22 years of marriage.
For example: Did you know that my husband does NOT like refried beans? Probably not but I did not know this either until a few weeks ago. We were on a date at a Mexican restaurant and I ordered a side of refried beans. When our food came, I offered him some of my beans. At which point, he proceeded to tell me he doesn’t really care for them and never has. Say what?! This had me floored. I mean we only have Mexican food at least once a week. How have I never heard him say this? In the scheme of things, it is not a huge deal. Refried Beans! However, knowing my spouses likes and dislikes and dreams and desires makes us closer. It also helps that I won’t serve them to him in the future and him have to be polite and avoid eating them. LOL! I mean, seriously!
There are many great resources to help you as you venture to study your spouse. One of my favorites is “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. In this book, he lays out 5 different ways people like to receive or be shown love. We tend to give love the way we like to receive it. Problem arises when the other person needs to hear it in a different way. If you study and know their love language that resonates with them, you can be intentional to choose things that speak your love for them in a way they hear or feel it.
I can’t go through all the resources in detail but I will list a few more.
Find out their Enneagram number. What in the world is that, you might be asking. Simply explained, it is another personality test. There are free websites with a 10 minute quiz that will help you figure out your number in the system. If nothing else, it will provide great conversation starters about communication, preferences, and personalities of each person. There is a new book on this titled, “Becoming Us: Using the Enneagram to Create a Thriving Gospel-Centered Marriage” by Beth McCord and her husband.
Here is the link to check it out: https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Us-Enneagram-Thriving-Gospel-Centered/dp/1642794163/ref=zg_bsnr_69722_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=B1KAXSC917ANVVHCK0XG
You could also check out “Homes of Honor” by Gary Smalley. FYI: I am a Golden Retriever/Beaver and Bert is a Lion/Otter. Can you say opposites? If you want to know what in the world that means check it out or ask me.
Simply get online and search Pinterest for “date night questions” or “conversation starters”. Write down 2-5 questions and take them on your next date night. Ask them over dinner or while driving instead of scrolling your phone. Be intentional with your time and learn something new about your spouse.
- Be FRIENDS…BEST FRIENDS! How do you have fun together? Do you share a common hobby or interest? When is the last time you laughed together? Have you played a game recently – without the kids?
Bert and I have several memories that are just ours. Not as a family with kid memories but just US! When our tank is running low and we are passing in the halls, we can look back to these special times and remember how much we enjoy one another. When we are at odds and have had a disagreement, we can chose to focus on the good times and fun memories. When you get these special times together you create memories, a bond and special inside jokes just for the two of you. This truly is a strength in certain seasons. Store these times up and look back at them as reminders.
Laugh together. Laughter or a joyful heart is even in the Bible reminding us it is like medicine in Proverbs 17:22. “A Love That Laughs: Lighten Up, Cut Loose, and Enjoy Life Together” could be a book you might want to pre-order. It comes out February 2020. Here is a link where I found it.
Learn more: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1589977084/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_awdb_M1JODbW17EQ62
Play a game together. Scrabble and Monopoly are two favorites around my house but also just a deck of cards; a little rummy makes for a fun night.
Share a hobby or common interest.
Don’t get me wrong this can be hard at times! Some people marry their polar opposite. This may be our greatest challenge. Bert is very fit and loves the outdoors. He would love to hike, tent camp, hunt, skydive and rock climb if given the chance. Me, not so much. Even if I am feeling adventurous, I am limited physically. If I do pull the activity off, I usually pay for it for days! I want to see a show, cook, scrapbook, read a book or organize in my home. Yeah, NO. None of these would be on his bucket list – lol. FIGURE IT OUT! I am here to tell you it can be done. Sometimes it takes sacrifice for sure but it is worth it.
I have a wonderful example. The first would be ME in a deer stand! Yes, you read that right. I got up at 5am and put on camoflauge and climbed my little crippled self up into a deer stand…book and snacks in tow. That particular morning, we saw zero wildlife. I am here to go on record to say I actually enjoyed myself. We sat quietly and enjoyed the cool (very cool air). Ok, I was freezing. We were forced to snuggle for body heat and simply enjoy nature and one another in quiet. Now, how often does that happen for any of us. The sacrifice was well worth climbing into his world for a half a day and seeing a hobby of his through his eyes.
- Date your Spouse! Continue to Woo and Romance your spouse!
I can’t stop with my example from a year ago. He may kill me for putting this one in print but I must brag on him. The sacrifice goes both ways. Just last week, we had an unexpected night alone with no kids – on a Sunday night because of Fall break all activities were canceled. So no kids, no church, no work! What to do with this time? Let me set this up so you understand the magnitude of this. It was the first rain in months and it had finally cooled down in our area. Do any of you know what this means? Get excited – nope not the leaves will start changing. No, not everyone’s allergies will explode. Ladies and gentlemen, it means … the deer will be moving and active and it is great conditions for hunting!!! My mind upon knowing of our free night had gone straight to date night and my sweet husband was salivating to be in the woods. He had been out of town and not had the opportunity to hunt so I said “that’s fine, I will find a girlfriend and go see Downton Abbey”. I REALLY was fine with this and wanted him to go hunting and enjoy it. We didn’t mention it again. We went to morning church and as the kids left with his parents, I was expecting him to pack up to leave. He proceeded to tell me he wasn’t going hunting and we were going on a date. Thankfully, I had not found a girlfriend to go to the movie.
My man missed his chance to hunt saying we couldn’t waste this time to be together and he then asked what time the movie started. In shock, I replied, “you DO NOT want to go see that movie. Please go hunting!” He said, no he was in and this was simply pay back for all the blow up and super hero movies I have sat through for years. My one movie for the last 22 years of movie torture. Albiet true, I haven’t begrudged any of those movies from years past. We were out, we were together and we were enjoying one another.
Sometimes the activity might not be your first choice – do it anyways! Try to find something you both enjoy but sometimes you just need to suck it up and do the thing that brings your spouse joy! With a good attitude, you might just have fun. Our little secret…He actually laughed in the movie. Now don’t go telling everyone this or he will lose his “man card”; isn’t that what they say?!? Lol! We truly had a great night of dinner and a movie. I guess I owe him one now.
There is a good book out that speaks towards this called “Date your Wife” by Justin Buzzard. https://www.amazon.com/Date-Your-Wife-Justin-Buzzard/dp/1433531356/ref=asc_df_1433531356/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=3The12132072158&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7117214197968883772&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-568391556401&psc=1# This is a practical guide for husbands looking to strengthen and spice up their marriage.
Romance and intimacy will come more naturally and freely if the above things are done first. Two other books I loved back in the day are “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley and “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by John Gray. There is so much more to affection than just sexual intimacy. Affection can be as simple as a hug, an invitation on a date, holding hands, a sweet text or phone call, or a question of concern about their day. Do something thoughtful – NOT on a holiday or special occassion. All these things build on the desire to be intimate with one another; especially for a women.
God created sex and it is wonderful but He also laid out the best way in which it is to be enjoyed = within a convenant marriage. For ladies, when it comes to sex and affection, you can’t have one without the other. The typical wife also may not understand their husbands deep need for sex any more than the husbands understand our need for affection. We must help each other learn; teaching with grace. We also must aim to meet our spouses needs as we want them to meet ours. I have found in my own relationship, when I an intentional to be loving and use my husband’s love language and meet his needs, he desires to meet mine. It is more readily reciprocated. It is not tit for tat but we are sinful humans and when we feel loved and appreciated we want to do the same for the other person.
Well, I went there but if we are going to talk marriage it can’t be skirted. It is a vital part of the health and vitality of our relationship as husband and wife. Otherwise, we are good roommates at best. This will not last for long, I am afraid, before one or both fall to temptation that is all too common. We must stay on guard and protect our marriages as Satan roams about seeking whom he can devour.
What will YOU do this week to be intentional to love on your spouse?
Do NOT sit and dwell on what you wish they would do or what they don’t do!! I want you to find at least one way to STUDY, ENJOY OR DATE your spouse this coming week. Have fun with this!!!
Comment and let me know what you did! I truly have a heart for your marriages and I want them to be strong and thriving. I want you to understand the value in one another and cherish it enough to protect it fiercely. Do the hard work. I pray for you and will pray specifically if you send me a message. You can use DM or any avenue. Please reach out to a friend, a minister or me if you need to talk!!
If this challenged you or encouraged you, share it with a friend.
Are you sick of relationship posts? What do you want to read or talk about on here? Let me know if you have a topic you want me to explore.
I love you 1,000 elephants!
Your Rooted and Restless Friend,
Tara
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